2 Children's Books for Single Mothers (On Days When They're Feeling Low)

It isn't very often when I feel down about being a single mom.  After all, it's all that I've ever known.  If anything, I've learned to see having Ayva to myself as a blessing and a gift.  The last couple of weeks have been different, though.  Having surgery days after Ayva's 3rd birthday have changed our relationship a bit.  I'm not able to pick her up to give her a bath, we can't dance to the Fresh Beat Band, I can't run or skip or do any of the things that we like to do together. As the only child of an only parent, I'm sure she feels a bit like she has lost her best friend.

Of course, that breaks my heart. Then I start to beat myself up for the choices that I made that made me a single mother in the first place, and I start to question her future and whether I doomed it from the start, and I wonder if one day she'll grow up and hate me because I just wasn't enough.

Thank God for children's books.  Their earnest words and illustrations, meant to inspire children to celebrate and honor their mothers, have certainly been a blessing to me.  Although I have plenty of examples of real life single mothers who are raising phenomenal children, on days (or weeks) when I'm feeling exceptionally low, I need a fairytale.  So, here are my 2 favorite children's books that feature single moms.  Oh, and a tip, they make you feel especially better if you read them snuggled up to your little one.

Mama I'll Give You The World
by Roni Schotter
illustrated by S. Saelig Gallagher

Luisa's mother is a beautician at "Walter's World of Beauty" who works long hours to take care of her little girl.  Although Mama used to love to dance when Papa was around, she doesn't anymore, and Luisa longs to see her smile and have a good time again.  Luisa plans a surprise birthday party for her mother at the beauty parlor, and invites all of the staff and customers.  On the way home after a long day of work, Mama promises Luisa that, "One day, if I can, I will give the world to you."  Luisa, in return, gives her mama the world that night, a world of dancing and love and friendship.

My thoughts: Even at 3 years old, Ayva already has a great sense of when I'm not feeling well, and she will give me hugs, kisses, whatever to help me feel better.  Since I had my surgery, she has been extra cautious to make sure she doesn't hurt me, and gives my belly sweet little kisses to help me "heal". It's working.  Although I don't want her to ever feel guilt that I work so hard to provide for her, I count it as a huge blessing that she appreciates what I do for her.  


Amazing Grace
by Mary Hoffman
illustrated by Caroline Binch

Grace is a remarkable little girl with a big imagination who is being raised by her mother and grandmother.  After being told that she couldn't play Peter Pan because she was Black and a girl, her grandmother takes her to the ballet to see a famous Black ballerina.  Grace learns that she can be whatever she wants to be, regardless of her race or gender.

My thoughts: I love this book because of the way that Grace's mother and grandmother encourage her imagination and creativity.  So often, we only hear the physical part of single parent support, but this celebrates the emotional support.  Also, Grace totally rocks my world (and is absolutely the inspiration for Ayva's middle name!).

Do you have any book recommendations for single moms? Share them with me, I'd love to check them out!

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Working and My Child - inspired by "Julia's Child" by Sarah Pinneo

Last night, after an entire day of playing catch up online, I felt a bit of guilt about not giving Ayva as much quality time as I would have liked to.  Poor baby.  Not only is she having to deal with her Mommy recuperating and everyone reminding her to "watch out!", "be careful", "don't hurt Mommy's stomach", she also has to compete with the computer. It's a sacrifice that I make most nights to be able to take care of her, take care of us.

One day, I believe that this hard work will pay off.  Right now, though, I am having to constantly remind myself that "this is a means to an end, this is a means to an end".  Even as I type now, Baby Girl is at my elbow rushing me along, anxious to snuggle in the bed and watch a movie. So, I'll keep this post short, not only to assuage the guilt, but also because I know tomorrow I'll be up early, back in the saddle, working hard now so we can play hard later.

But, let me let you hear it from the toddler's own mouth.  Here's my little Ayva, letting you know what Mommy does.

This post is inspired by the novel Julia's Child by Sarah Pinneo. Worried about what her kids eat, Julia Bailey starts a prepared organic toddler meals business. With names like Gentil Lentil, can Julia balance work and family and still save the world? Join From Left to Write on May 24 as we discuss Julia's Child. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.
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#VlogMom - No Flaws At All?

This week's #VlogMom question comes from Tania from Pure Natural Diva, who asks, "What's your biggest character flaw?"  Check it out and see if you agree with me about my opinion of character flaws...and no, it isn't that I'm always a week behind in my videos!
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Secret - A Haiku

What is your secret?

How can someone so little
Bring such immense joy?

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My Life, My Myomectomy

A few years ago, after visiting a doctor about painful menstrual periods, I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids.  The noncancerous tumors are harmless if you can deal with the excessive bleeding and terrible cramping once a month during your period.  Unfortunately, the fibroids that I had were significantly affecting my quality of life every 28 days to the point that it was a challenge to get out of bed for most of the week.  In 2007, I had a simple hysteroscopic myomectomy and had several fibroids removed which made a tremendous positive difference in my life. 

Fibroids do grow back, and by the time I became pregnant with Ayva in 2009, they had done exactly that.  The greedy tumors thrived on my pregnancy hormones, and sucked the life out of me.  I was severely anemic, and didn't even have the energy to get dressed on most days.  I experienced chronic pain and cramping which led to nearly 40 hospital visits, including a brief stay in the months before Ayva was born.  The gigantic fibroid blocking my birth canal ultimately became the reason a c-secion was planned before I even know the sex of the child I was carrying.

Once I had Ayva, things weren't much better.  There were moments when I would be stopped in my tracks due to the fibroids crushing some useful internal organ, or pushing down on an unmentionable and making it impossible to move because of the pain.  It didn't matter if I was on the street, riding the bus, in a meeting...it was uncomfortable, unpredictable, and really embarrassing.

I decided to have them removed again when the pain started getting to me mentally, and I began to feel sickly and hopeless.  Last week, I had a myomectomy via laparotomy, a procedure where a surgeon makes an abdominal incision and removes fibroids from the uterus.  My surgical team removed 2 huge tumors (11cm and 6cm) and several smaller ones.  They said that my uterus was the same size as a 15 week pregnant woman's.Unlike the other procedure, this one required a stay in the hospital, a huge cut down the center of my belly, and a 4 - 6 week healing period.   It was very different, and I am very different in 2012 than I was in 2007.

In 2007, I knew I wanted to have children eventually, but the thought of infertility really wasn't a thought.  I wasn't scared at all about going under for a little bit, and the 1- 2 week recovery period was more like a vacation than anything.  This time, I had to make sure arrangements were made for Ayva in the event that I didn't wake up, and that they were made for her while I was in the hospital, and then when I got home that there was someone to look after her.  I have more responsibility in my job, and it's our busiest season, and a new job, and it's busy there, too.  I worried about something happening during the surgery and losing any chance of having another child.  And then there's the stuff that I worry about that I haven't shared with anyone, yet.  It was all very overwhelming.  It is all very overwhelming.

The thing it does, though, is call to mind the importance, and the blessing, of good health.  Being confined to my bed or a recliner chair is no fun.  I don't often exercise, but this morning, all I wanted to do was get out of my chair and dance.  I have a strong urge to sign up for a 5K, and I was checking out local yoga classes online this weekend.  Now that I can't move, it's all I want to do. I'll never take my mobility for granted again.  

We don't know exactly what causes fibroids.  We do know that Black women get them at a higher rate than other races, and that their growth has been linked to excessive estrogen.  When folks makes fun of me because I have too many rules about the way Ayva and I eat, the soap that we use, or the chemicals that we don't, I don't care, because I know that every little bit truly does count when you're trying to live a healthful life.  And, unfortunately, I'm experiencing, right now, what can happen if you don't.  

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Dandelion Wish- A Haiku

Dandelion wish

Everyone knows they're the best

They always come true.

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From Drab to Fab (even during allergy season!)

Growing up in North Carolina, home of the super pollen, amazingly, I never suffered from allergies.  Even when I lived in the suburbs outside of Philly, I remained allergy free.  As soon as I moved into the city, though, everything hanged.  All of a sudden, when the winter transitioned into spring, I'd get horrible headaches and a scratchy throat.  My eyes would itch, and my nose would run...yeah, not pretty.

As bad as that sounds, my allergies were still always moderate compared to what I saw some of my friends and family going through, though.  This year has been different.  The mild winter brought the allergens out early and in full force, and I've been some kind of miserable.  It's exhausting to feel slightly under the weather all of the time, so when I was offered the opportunity to try Allegra for the first time, I jumped at the chance. 

I picked some Allegra up from CVS last Friday, and and after only 5 days, I feel a difference.  My eyes don't feel swollen, and my nose isn't dripping.  This is good!  I was even inspired to purchase a few beauty supplies while I was in the drugstore to do a mini-makeover.  

Since I've been rubbing my face a lot to wipe my nose with tissue, my face has been super dry.  No point in putting makeup on skin that isn't moisturized!  I also bought mascara, eyeliner and eyeshadow.  Now that my eyes aren't itching, I can actually wear eye makeup without smudging it.  A nice, bright lipstick completed my look. You can see my entire shop here.

Here's my before:

LOL!  Candid shot gone wrong. Darn itchy eyes!

And my after:

Outside with no itchy eyes!

What do you think?

Read about other Drab to Fab makeovers by following #ClearBeauty or Allegra on Twitter! You can get a 30 ct. box of Allegra through the month of May for only $17.99 with your CVS card.  Also, check out the Allergy Makeover game, and enter to win a $50 CVS gift card!  

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I am a member of the Collective Bias™ Social Fabric® Community.  This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for Collective Bias™. #CBias #SocialFabric All opinions are my own. Pin It

They Listened To Me: My #LTYMShow Experience

This past Friday, I had the honor of performing a piece that I wrote about my relationship with my mother as part of the Listen To Your Mother series. The national performance series gives women of all ages and all stages, an opportunity to share, intimately, about their mothers, about themselves as mothers. The shows, all across the country, are powerful, and the Philly show was no different. 

There were love stories, sad stories, and stories of hope.  The audience was invited into the lives of the incredibly strong, tremendously resilient and brilliant, brilliant, women.  My piece was second to last, and as I sat and listened to the other writers before me, I pushed the thought that, "I don't belong here" out of my head and accepted that, yes, "I am a part of this."  

The next day, after leaving everything I had to give behind that podium, baring myself in front of blogger friends, strangers, my cousin, even a co-worker/good friend who came to support me, it felt a bit as if it was all just a dream.

But then, I checked Twitter, and saw this photo that Liz took of me:

source: Six Year Itch

And read a message that Dresden wrote me to check out the tweet that she had just retweeted:

And I realized that indeed, it was all a dream. I just happened to be living it.

Many thanks to Ann for the vision that is LTYM, Cecily, Dresden and Jo-Ann for bringing this show to Philly, and to me. And love and admiration for the brave cast that, in less than 2 hours, managed to take me on an emotional ride that left me drained and happy, so happy, and feeling immensely grateful and blessed to be a mother and a woman.

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#VlogMom - The Television Show I'd Love to Be A Guest On

Okay, I'm getting in just under the wire for this week's #VlogMom video. I'm starting to get the hang of the new fast pace of my life, so I hope to participate more consistently. So far, so good...I shot 2 videos today! Whoo! Anyway, this week's #VlogMom question is from Jenn at @MommyBKnowsBest. She asks, "What television show would you like to be a guest on?" My answer might surprise some folks! Pin It

Unconditional Lessons & Other Lessons I Learned From My Mom

What is it about Mother's Day that makes us feel so full of reflection?  All of the lessons, all of the advice, seems to gain new life every May.  Take a look at the latest The Conversation Thread on iVillage to find out what lessons Beth, Amanda, Sharon, Kelly and I learned from our mothers over the years!

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My Mother's Best Advice

Thank you to Tout for sponsoring this post and encouraging me to share mom’s best advice! Visit the SELF + The Honest Co. + Tout contest on.self.com/MomKnows to share the best advice you received from your mom and enter to win $500 worth of The Honest Company product and a Maya Brenner Designs necklace valued at $200, in addition to having their Tout featured on SELF.com. Additionally, for every response a donation will be made to Baby2Baby.

When I was a teenager, I never imagined that the advice I was receiving from the adults in my world would ever be useful. Most of the grown folks had the same message, "Be careful of the company you keep", "You may not see it, but your hard work will pay off eventually", "Don't procrastinate! Do it now!". It all sounded like mumbo jumbo at the time, but years later, when I was well into my twenties, I started to understand where they were coming from. Like, seriously, they knew what they were talking about?

One of the most useful lessons that I learned came from my mother when I was about 14 years old. It was the summer after the 9th grade, and I was away, staying at a university for a college prep program. It was high school students, we were girls, and so, it was no surprise that within week 2 of the 6 week program, drama started to flair up. I can't recall what the drama was about, I just remember a lot of yelling and screaming about "East Coast Girls" vs. "West Coast Girls". We were all arguing and being snotty to each other, and one day, during week 3, I called my mom and told her I was over it and was ready to come home.

My mom said no.

I remember how thoughtfully she listened to me whining telling her all about the arguments and the conflict. She wasn't dismissive of my feelings at all, and was really understanding the entire time I was recalling the summer's events to her. I talked for a good 1/2 hour before I went in for the kill..."So can you please, please come and get me." I had set the story up perfectly, she was on my side, I never expected her to refuse my request. But she did, and now, almost 20 years later, I'm really glad she did. 

That evening on the telephone, my mom wouldn't come and pick me up because she didn't want me to quit. It was an honor to be participating in the program that I was a part of, and I needed to stay focused on what I was there for. I wasn't there to be a part of drama, or girl fights, I was there to learn and get ahead in school. The most important thing she said to me that night, though was this,

"If you start quitting things now, it'll set a pattern for your life. You don't quit things when they start to get a little difficult. You're not a quitter."

 Of course, she was right. It didn't feel like she was right that night, but the next night, when the East and West Coast girls were hanging out, laughing and doing each other's hair, it started to feel like she was right. And that winter, when I took my SAT's, and knocked it way out of the park thanks to the extra support I had received that summer in the program, I knew she was right.

That lesson has resonated with me since then. I'm not a quitter. I'll admit, I had to learn the difference between what it means to step away when something really isn't working, and quitting just because things are challenging, but I have, and that lesson has served me well. I can honestly say that I'm the woman that I am because of that one seed that my mother planted in me all of those years ago. _________________________________________________________________________________

Thank you again to Tout for sponsoring my post. Visit on.self.com/MomKnows to share the best advice you received from your mom. Fans and readers can reply directly via webcams at www.Tout.com, through Tout’s mobile application, on www.Facebook.com/TheHonestCompany and www.Self.com/health/mothers-day in addition to other promotional sites. Viewers can watch the entire stream of replies on the Tout widget on http://www.self.com and share their favorites to their Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest pages, as well as by email and SMS. Pin It

Ayva is 3.

Three years ago today, life as I now know it began.  I remember the excitement that I felt on my way to the hospital that morning, May 7th, 2009.  There was no nervousness, no stress. I was calm and felt ready. Thankfully, I was also really naive and clueless about how completely different life would be, how different I would be, on May 11th, 2009 when I finally checked out of the hospital.

Like, for instance, there'd be an actual person that I would be responsible for.

The first night at home, my sister, Ayva's godmother and godfather all spent the night at my our tiny apartment.  I remember crying because the breastfeeding wasn't working, and I was tired, and Ayva was crying because that's what newborns do, and I was just starting to realize"Oh my goodness, there's an actual person here that I'm responsible for!"  That night was rough. Really rough.

Looking back, it seems like the best night of my life.

Year 2 with Ayva was kind of like that night.  Sometimes, in the thick of two, I felt overwhelmed and frustrated and like I had no control over what was going on.  Ayva was learning to be independent, and with that came some trying and testing of me, and of limits, and of boundaries.  The year was challenging.  Really challenging.

It was also, hands down, the best year of my life.

Ayva has really become my best friend.  She is so open to new experiences and so full of love.  She's funny, she's quirky, her imagination is out of this world, she's strong-willed, smart, asks tons of questions, has loads of physical stamina, loves to dance, has a beautiful singing voice, loves the letter A (obviously) and the color pink, and gives the best hugs ever.

Happy Birthday to my Ayva.  I can't wait to see how she tops last year.    

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Confidence - A Haiku

Little girls have it

Their confidence is innate

Hey, Mamas...take note.

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Help End Overly Modest Woman Syndrome

It always amazes me when I'm around women who are all that and then some, but they have a hard time talking about their gifts. Sometimes it's the women I meet through my travels as a non-profit educator, who are well educated with years of experience.  Other times it's bloggers or online marketers, creative beyond belief with magical language skills.  In every case of Overly Modest Woman Syndrome (OMWS) that I observe, it's never someone with limited abilities. It's never the woman who is talking loud but has no idea what she's talking about.   It's just about always the most brilliant woman in the room who suffers from OMWS.  

You've observed the symptoms.  Maybe you've even had them yourself: qualifying your ideas with backstory, being passive aggressive, always volunteering for the "administrative" role in meetings, apologizing for simply being you.  Oh, the symptoms are bad, y'all. 

The problem with Overly Modest Woman Syndrome is that it's not just about the Overly Modest Woman. It's about the little girl who is observing her mother being timid and asking a question when she really should be making a statement.  It's about the sons who grow up thinking that women should be helpless and apologetic.  It's about society who never gets to fully feel the impact of the gifts that the Overly Modest Woman possesses.

How can you help end Overly Modest Woman Syndrome?  Here are a few tips:

• When you have an idea, don't qualify it before you share it.  You don't need to sell folks on a new idea when you are first introducing it, especially in a brainstorm.  You have to teach your team to trust that you know what you're talking about.  If they need you to elaborate, they will ask.

• Unless you're the secretary, don't be the secretary. You don't always have to take minutes in the meeting. Let Tom or Bob do it.  If they can talk, they can type. You need to save your energy for getting your point across.

• If someone comes up with an idea that you know won't work, say it. Suggest revisions or offer a different solution, but whatever you do, don't tiptoe around it, tentatively, trying not to hurt feelings. You waste precious time when you do that, especially if you're going to have to come back and solve the problem anyway when the bad idea doesn't work. 

• STOP APOLOGIZING! I know women who say, "I'm sorry" before they say anything.  You aren't sorry, you're fabulous, and if you weren't, you wouldn't be in your position. 

• Uplift, and allow yourself to be uplifted, by other women. Latch on to other intelligent, hardworking women that have got it going on, and pledge to have each other's backs. Don't gossip against other strong women and try to pull them down.  Admit when you feel jealous (don't worry, it's natural), then shake it off, and celebrate victories with your co-strong woman.  

• Keep track of your accomplishments...and your blessings.  Make a list, carry it with you, mount it on a board, laminate it, whatever. Just make sure you are truly aware of what you have to offer to  others.

• BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE FABULOUS.  If you don't, who will?

I want this thing to go away.  Who's with me?  Do you currently suffer from Overly Modest Woman Syndrome? Will you pledge to work on believing in yourself?  Please, please, let me know if I can help. I mean it.

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